I fought for a looong, looong time.
My heart was full and my eyes were open and my brain was so fucking alive.
And suddenly, it was too much.
I looked around and found that I was alone on the battlefield!
Just one look at them and I forgot what I was here for. I forgot what I believed in, I forgot my pain. And most of all, I forgot my fear.
The war seemed pointless now. Should i succumb?
I retreated. A wounded soldier walking away from all he had worked for.
But my head was up.
And I was smiling.
It was like coming home. Finally.
A drink of water after an exhausting day. I lapped it up and felt the relief flood over me.
I am not stupid. The shrapnel wedged within me reminds me to be careful. Reminds me that there are more wars to prepare for and that this lapse might be temporary. I'm not saying it isn't permanent. I really wish it was. But I'm saying it also might not be.
There is caution deep within. A caution been built over years that has become me.
I am not afraid of falling in love. I am afraid of falling out of love. I am afraid spending countless days on things that seem important and then waking up one day realising they aren't.
Of course, those days aren't wasted. I'm not one to regret. Me being me; restless, impulsive and raring to go, will outrun them all.
But my feet are aching and I'd like to sit down for a while.
The memories, pain, people...yes they do follow me and that is annoying. But what really holds me down is something more selfish.
Some people say I'm "Too perfect to be true!". Sssssk.
Although I do know that isn't true, there is a little furry ball of ego that purrs to that.
Therefore, the high walls.
And opening those doors shatters the image. Illusion, I might like to add.
So my proud little feline scratches everytime someone gets too close in...because, to be honest, I do like being though of as perfect.
And this love thing...yeah, it ruins all that.
Why? Because for love, you need transparency.
And I'm not used to transparency.
I don't like it either.
Transparency makes you thin, weak and easy to break!
Why in the world would I blow away someone's mirage just to feed love?
Ok, you're hungry and all that. But you should be used to it by now!
Another thing that rings warning bells in my head is that my brain refuses to work when my heart is! They just cannot cooperate and I hate making the choice! It used to be brain but now suddenly it's becoming heart and I don't want to offend my brain because I REALLY will need it once my heart is weary.
I looooooooove being in control of myself! And this is freaking me out, because I actually feel happy when I'm not holding back.
There is always balance in life. And to cancel out this overload, there will be a vacancy I have to watch out for.
Hmmmm. Anyway, happiness and all is cool, so for the time being... bye :) I'm sure I'll see you soon :)
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