Cava bien?

Hey.
I miss you.
Yes, I do.
At times like this, when I look at myself and see you.
Why?

I have no clue what I've become.
I just CANNOT love.
Atleast, not the way I used to.
I cannot love, wholely, entirely, without thought.
I cannot love blindly, without doubt.
I cannot give myself completely to someone, I just can't!
Everytime, every relationship, however significant, I find myself thinking, measuring and calculating.
I find myself doubting, wondering and building little walls.

Why can't I love anyone the way I loved you?
We had nothing special...nothing extraordinary. Nothing to weep and be sleepless about.
Then why can't I have myself back?

I used to be so vulnerable around you. I wore my heart on my sleeve, no matter how dangerous that was for me. Bruised repeatedly.
And you....your vulnerability was what made me love you. And after a while... it just disappeared! If only you had shown me... atleast once...once in a hundred times... just showed me how vulnerable you could be....or atleast might be...I would have stayed.

Isn't it ironic? I've become the person I left you for being.
Learning from you, I've got rid of my vulnerability. Not just hiding it, it isn't even there! I find myself unaffected...by everyone. No relationship of mine has the power to stir within me some deep unshakeable emotion like what we had....and for that I am very pained. Don't flatter yourself, I hardly remember. I don't need you and nor do I want you. But I really wish I did! I wish I needed you and wanted with you with so much desperation that it left some great impact on me, because honestly, everything in my life seems so meaningless...so devoid of passion.

Remember you used to tell me that * was the only person who I cared about in the world? The only person whose absence could tear my heart apart? Well, even that isn't true anymore. I find that I don't need or want anyone in my life! I'm so happy by myself! And I really wish I didn't feel so complete... I'm more used to broken hearts...not this!

And here I am, just like you, so sure and so whole. I want to be vulnerable, I want to cry at things that I'm not supposed to (or even supposed to) cry for, I want to love with no inhibitions and I want to hurt so much I can't feel myself anymore.

Thank you...thank you so much for making me you.
And thank you for coming, staying and then going away. It's not that I miss you... it's only at times like this when I'm so full of surprise and self doubt that I remember you. Just that...WHY?
Why did I have to experience, learn, understand and become so many necessary things? Why couldn't I just have been unrequited, unfulfilled, immature and misunderstood?

And here he is, more vulnerable than anyone I have seen before, so vulnerable that it makes me weep inside...I don't want to do to him what you did to me. Nothing is irrepairable but there'll be a lot of lost time.... and there's no more time to lose.

I'm pissed now! I know you're back to your boring life and I'm here, happy and at peace. I should be thankful- but I'm not! I want to depend on SOMEONE! I want to love! I've always been upset at how easily I fall in love....but this time I'm upset I just cannot do it like before! I want to love him truly, completely and deeply...but I'm so consumed by myself I cannot.

Thank you again, for teaching me how to be you, even if it was in a hard way.
I'll get through this without you.