Trouvez avec moi, sil vous plait!

Hello!

Yes....I'm lost again.
I've been asking myself this question for a very long time.
What is love?
Been there done that. Yeah yeah.

I said in my earlier post that love is acceptance.
So, now I'm confused.
Doesn't acceptance take a long time?
Then doesn't it take a while for the love too?

So, when you get into a relationship, you aren't sure if the acceptance will come or not. It's all a big gamble....with a loss that might just be very expensive.
I've had my fair share of gambles...and lost quite a lot. Maybe that's why I don't want to gamble anymore. I'm afraid. I look at people around taking chances, making decisions, breaking them.. and I envy them. It's a great feeling to be a first-time gambler. The high, the initial returns... even the pain and the bitterness at the end of it are memorable. Not fun, though.

But what about "retired" gamblers like me? We've played the game and we know it like the back of our hand. We know what makes us win, what makes us head for a sure loss... yeah we know it all. And we have experienced this, so many times, that after a while it becomes too much to cope with. A man who has won a lot after gambling doesn't come back again, just as people who have found true love do not stray. And the ones who lose, repeatedly, reach a point where they're done with losing. Chances? Luck? Risks? Thrill? No thank you. I'm outta here.

We know how to win but we're just too exhausted to try!

So, as I was saying. Do I really know what love is? People come to me with their questions and I tell them, dude, you don't want to go there. Love is best left alone. It's like a cigarette. You know it's bad for you, but you keep going back to it because you're so used to it. And without it you feel incomplete. Let me remind you that cigarettes are very bad for the heart.

Anyway, until now I was very sure I knew what love was. I've even found myself predicting its various stages without being wrong.

But today something got me thinking...do I know what love is or do I just know what it's not?
Is the knowledge that I know what it's not clouding my mind from the real answer?
I mean...you know death isn't life. But...you still don't know what death really is, do you?

Questions questions, so many questions. So little answers.

The truth is, I don't know what love is. I don't know if what I've felt in the past was really love. I don't know what love might feel like, and therefore I will not realise even if I do love!

All this and more has made me unreceptive to love. Why love when you can just be? I've been very pleased myself for the past 4 months. I've distanced love so much from me that I've forgotten what it tasted like. I'm still not sure if that is what love tastes like but whatever. It's like describing to a blind man what a cat and dog look like. Even when they're in his hands, he cannot tell the difference...because he doesn't know what they look like! All he knows is what he THINKS they look like!

As I was saying, I'm very unreceptive to love now. I built a little but sturdy wall around me that makes me feel very safe. Some people say I'm complicated now! About a year ago people used to say my heart was like an open book to read. So, I'm very pleased with myself for the change :) What better security than knowing that nobody knows what can harm you? Ha ha.

And I have a strange feeling that my wall is very hard to break down. It's like an invisible barrier.. you run into it and wham! you're hurting all over but confused because you can't see what you hit. I've become so used to its existence that sometimes I don't notice when people hurt themselves because of my wall. Actually, I've also built a little moat of mystery around it to prevent this, but you know, some people are so damn persistent.

I'm deviating now.

There are times when I open my little secret window in that wall. Only sometimes, when the air inside gets too stale. And unfortunately, sometimes, because I'm so overwhelmed by the fresh air, I let some people in for a while. And once I've slept on it and I'm wide awake and sane again, I push them out and lock the window, really tight.

This isn't a good thing.

And so here I am, again, lost because I have the key to the window in my hand, and I'm wondering what to do with it. There is someone waiting outside in the cold, someone who doesn't deserve this.

Lock or unlock? Only time will tell.
Until then, the never-ending battle with love continues.
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Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?