Trouvez avec moi, sil vous plait!

Hello!

Yes....I'm lost again.
I've been asking myself this question for a very long time.
What is love?
Been there done that. Yeah yeah.

I said in my earlier post that love is acceptance.
So, now I'm confused.
Doesn't acceptance take a long time?
Then doesn't it take a while for the love too?

So, when you get into a relationship, you aren't sure if the acceptance will come or not. It's all a big gamble....with a loss that might just be very expensive.
I've had my fair share of gambles...and lost quite a lot. Maybe that's why I don't want to gamble anymore. I'm afraid. I look at people around taking chances, making decisions, breaking them.. and I envy them. It's a great feeling to be a first-time gambler. The high, the initial returns... even the pain and the bitterness at the end of it are memorable. Not fun, though.

But what about "retired" gamblers like me? We've played the game and we know it like the back of our hand. We know what makes us win, what makes us head for a sure loss... yeah we know it all. And we have experienced this, so many times, that after a while it becomes too much to cope with. A man who has won a lot after gambling doesn't come back again, just as people who have found true love do not stray. And the ones who lose, repeatedly, reach a point where they're done with losing. Chances? Luck? Risks? Thrill? No thank you. I'm outta here.

We know how to win but we're just too exhausted to try!

So, as I was saying. Do I really know what love is? People come to me with their questions and I tell them, dude, you don't want to go there. Love is best left alone. It's like a cigarette. You know it's bad for you, but you keep going back to it because you're so used to it. And without it you feel incomplete. Let me remind you that cigarettes are very bad for the heart.

Anyway, until now I was very sure I knew what love was. I've even found myself predicting its various stages without being wrong.

But today something got me thinking...do I know what love is or do I just know what it's not?
Is the knowledge that I know what it's not clouding my mind from the real answer?
I mean...you know death isn't life. But...you still don't know what death really is, do you?

Questions questions, so many questions. So little answers.

The truth is, I don't know what love is. I don't know if what I've felt in the past was really love. I don't know what love might feel like, and therefore I will not realise even if I do love!

All this and more has made me unreceptive to love. Why love when you can just be? I've been very pleased myself for the past 4 months. I've distanced love so much from me that I've forgotten what it tasted like. I'm still not sure if that is what love tastes like but whatever. It's like describing to a blind man what a cat and dog look like. Even when they're in his hands, he cannot tell the difference...because he doesn't know what they look like! All he knows is what he THINKS they look like!

As I was saying, I'm very unreceptive to love now. I built a little but sturdy wall around me that makes me feel very safe. Some people say I'm complicated now! About a year ago people used to say my heart was like an open book to read. So, I'm very pleased with myself for the change :) What better security than knowing that nobody knows what can harm you? Ha ha.

And I have a strange feeling that my wall is very hard to break down. It's like an invisible barrier.. you run into it and wham! you're hurting all over but confused because you can't see what you hit. I've become so used to its existence that sometimes I don't notice when people hurt themselves because of my wall. Actually, I've also built a little moat of mystery around it to prevent this, but you know, some people are so damn persistent.

I'm deviating now.

There are times when I open my little secret window in that wall. Only sometimes, when the air inside gets too stale. And unfortunately, sometimes, because I'm so overwhelmed by the fresh air, I let some people in for a while. And once I've slept on it and I'm wide awake and sane again, I push them out and lock the window, really tight.

This isn't a good thing.

And so here I am, again, lost because I have the key to the window in my hand, and I'm wondering what to do with it. There is someone waiting outside in the cold, someone who doesn't deserve this.

Lock or unlock? Only time will tell.
Until then, the never-ending battle with love continues.
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Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Ma vie a la Stella Maris (et sortir)

Attendez pour quelques temps, Sil vous plait!

I've wanted to write here for months, but decided to wait till the pain diffused.

Where do you go when you just don't know?
How do you relight the flame when it's cold?
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?
When will we learn to control?

I felt lost for a month. I think it started in the end of July. Yes, it most certainly did. I pray none of you go through it, although I'm sure you will, more than once.

I think sometimes we make mistakes consciously, not because we don't know they are mistakes or that we WANT to make them, but because we hope they become right in the course of time.

Well, so, back to July. My life pre-July was okay. It wasn't amazing but it was full and overflowing with emotion, so that was fine. Blah blah, it wasn't great and it could have been better but whatever. It wasn't as boring as my pre-december 2007 easy uncomplicated life, and I think that's why I got so attached to it. Imagine a rainbow on a rainy gray day? That's it. When I think clearly, to myself, the only pain I have is the pain of losing a fun, eventful, blissful and very selfish 6 months. I guess I was so absorbed in it (and you) that i didn't have time for anything else , so when it went, I felt so clueless and misplaced. I guess when you're too used to something you just cannot do without it.
But once you start getting used to not having it, things get better. Anyway so I was still in the used to phase and it did hurt a lot for me. Waking up in the morning with a sick empty feeling in your stomach is a perfect situation to feel like bunking college. So bunk college I did, for days.

Janu, I love you. If you hadn't come home everyday after your college and driven sense into my head ( a little, each day), I would have encountered a SERIOUS attendance problem in college. Deep, if you weren't there as my phone call and bad dream soother substitute, I would have gotten mad. Neeta, just being with you lifts my spirits. Nan, thanks for loving me even after I disappointed you so much. Poo, I realised that even if you're at Pune, your care and love was just a phone call away. And Poori and Kavya, you showed me that coming to college and being with you makes me feel good :)

The problem with putting yourself into someone or something is that when they go, they take away that part of you. So you put too much, and that's a lot of emptiness remaining.

But I soon realised: How can I be lost if I've got nowhere to go?
I definitely don't want us back. I know that I'm much better off this way and that I compromised on a lot of my personality and life for you. I'd rather not do that again.

But I do miss a lot of things.
I miss smiling with so much warmth that it burns up my heart.
And I miss talking through my eyes, even if it doesn't really work and I just end up staring.
Yes, that's what I miss. I miss the personal looks and glance exchanging.
And maybe I also miss the softness I used to feel when I looked at you.
And not having to save your number.
Waking up from a deep sleep knowing it's you calling even though my phone is miles away.
Actually I miss sleeping and waking up to your voice, even if it's just on the phone.
And I really miss the laughter. Although it started dying halfway through what we had.
I miss the bitching! And the sharing. Even if it was one-sided.
And HELL! Maybe I even miss you. Or atleast, they way you used to be, ages ago.

But what I miss most is my life before you.

I know I'll never get it back, but every night before I close my eyes I remember how happy I was then and sigh. I also remember that I had a choice and this was what I chose. Argh!

But weren't we so happy when we were friends! I wish we could go back to those Fridays when we used to go out just for fun. Ha ha, too late, Roshini.

Why is it that the tighter we hold on to sand the faster it flies away?
People say love is in the air. But noone ever tells us how to pull it close and make it stay!

Hmmm. Anyway. I've started hating a lot of things too.
I hate waking up in the morning with bad dreams and noone to call.
I hate hearing your name in a casual conversation and feeling bitterness well up within me.
And I really hate the pain your memories bring.
I wanted to return everything you gave me, but I know you'll get really pissed.
I don't sleep with teddy anymore. And yes, his name is just plain teddy now.
I hate failing in Hindi with noone to laugh about it with.
And I also hate crying when I'm typing all this.
I hate reading Zodiac reports that say Aries is compatible with Leo.
I hate watching my hair grow long and I really hate it when i feel like dressing up.
I hate retiring from Minesweeper flags and I hate quitting Msn.
Most of all I hate that one of my friends looks SO MUCH like you it kills me. And I feel really bad when I see the disappointment on her face when I refuse to go to her house when you're there.

But man, haven't I learnt a lot.
I learnt NEVER to give in to impulses.
And I learnt that my friends know me better than I do, and that they make better decisions for me than I can make for myself.
I learnt NEVER to compromise on self respect.
I learnt to THINK atleast ONCE about the future before jumping into anything.
I learnt that love is nothing but acceptance, and where that isn't there it's time to say goodbye.
I learnt that everyone has a right to bitterness but the way we deal with it depends on how mature we are.
I learnt to be brutally honest when I have to be.
I learnt that you can NEVER work out anything with someone who turns 18 after you, the maturity level difference is gaping.
I learnt that mistakes are common in any relationship and it's nobody's fault.
I learnt that Karma exists! And watches me too damn closely!
Most importantly, I learnt how to smile when I'm crying inside.
And how to breathe when I've been knocked out of air. Repeatedly.
I've learnt with great difficulty that words are just syllables that are the product of human evolution and are meant to have no effect on me.
I've also learnt some strange things- like the best way to get over heartbreak is to get a new heartbreak. And the only way to get over love is to feel a love as passionate as the old one. The vicious cycle continues.
And I learnt that life is so short there's no time to waste by taking things for granted.
I learnt to get my priorities straight and stick to them (with the help of people who understand)
I also learnt that there is no person without a fault in this world and the moment you accept that you will be able to love truly and deeply.
Most of all, I've learnt to value people who love me. I'm glad for that.

This is stolen from "Who moved my cheese"- I learnt that once the cheese starts getting mouldy you have to either cut the mouldy bit off or throw away the cheese before it gets way too mouldy and makes you sick. And that the thought and hope of new cheese helps you forget old cheese.

Never trust anyone blindly. But when you do and your expectations are shattered, it's going to hurt like hell. Give it some time and friends and family will get you through it.

This shall pass.
And this too, shall pass.

Ok. I'm off to listen to November Rain.