Mon amour

There is a difference between being in love and loving.

Tell me, how long can you actually “be” in something? Not long before you become claustrophobic and crave space.

But how long can you “feel” something? Forever.

I’m not in love with you. I love you.

Like two trees that go through all the seasons, summer spring winter and autumn. They grow together, blossom together. And after all the pretty flowers have fallen from their branches, they look at each other, bare and exposed and realize that they were two trees, but are now only one.

Sparks and thrills is relationships, they’re just a weak man’s invention to explain something he doesn’t fully understand.

Sparks and thrills are short lived, by definition itself.

It’s an illusion for lazy people who aren’t willing to look past the flowers into the strong trees that have borne them.

And I’ve been lazy all my life.

Not anymore though.

I realized. That there never was any spark. There was always a fire, raging and intense. And no fire can die an eventual death unless we put them out ourselves.

Sparks die a natural death, once their purpose is served. To ignite a fire, that consumes everything. Every inch of doubt, anger, guilt, hatred and pain. True, fires mellow down. But they always stoke right back up again.

And that fire is burning, overwhelming, again.

Mon reve

Life is just a transition from one phase to another. Some may be smooth, some not quite.

It is this transcend from birth to experience to experience to (experience)^n to death which constitutes life.

Who knows, even death might be a phase. But I'd rather not talk about death...it depresses me.

Anyway...LIFE.

Change is the only thing that is constant, as we all (wise people) know.

And I've always welcomed change with open arms.

I can't be with the same person, in the same place doing the same thing. Not only does it drive me crazy...it makes me supremely dissatisfied and triggers a series of thoughts questioning the meaning of my life, and how to rid it of this monotony.

Yes, even now I sometimes feel that way. But the frequency has decreased greatly. I guess that means I'm happy with you. :)

So, what was I talking about? Yes, changes.

The ones that annoy us, the ones that we're thrilled about. The ones that wrench your heartstrings and the ones that can help you breathe again. They're INEVITABLE. One thing I learnt from life is that the present is inevitable. If the present was to be another way, then it would be that way, and not this!

Life gives us exactly what we need, and not what we want. It's like sliding down a looooong water slide at the swimming pool. You can't see what's down, how deep the pool is, and if there is anyone who you might accidently land upon, but you trust enough to just close your eyes and let go.

Life's isn't about holding on, but letting go.

Like picking up a handful of sand at the beach, clasped tightly in your palm. The tighter your grip, the faster it trickles away. You just let it be, and it stays.

Live life by your own terms and the right things will come your way, is something a friend told me recently. What could make better sense than that?

So next time I have to choose between myself, and the greater good, it will be me.

Sacrificing or indulging, it will be me.

Moving on or cradling you, it will be me.

But sometimes I am only human too. Above that, I am a woman, sensitive, fiery and vulnerable. Hey! I said vulnerable, not weak.

When I remember your past eagerness and compare it your present complacence...it does hurt.

But I will hold my head up high... and remember. That I am me, and there will be no other me. There will be no other person living this very life again.

So I will swallow deeply, and exhale. I will smile, and abstain. And one fine day, when I am nearing my Utopia, I will spread my wings... and fly to it. Of course, you all exist. And I love you. But I matter the most.

Free from the bridles of society, civilization and insecurities. I will hold the reins.

And as I am sipping my iced tea, enjoying the view, my dog clambering onto my already cat-filled lap....I will look at you, toiling and shoving. In this world, where in the end, it all hardly matters.