Pour quelques temps seulement

I miss you.

In the morning rays of the sun, and the ringing of my alarm clock.

I hear you.

In the crying of my kittens and the softness of their fur.

I see you.

In the worst of my dreams and the tears that blur my eyes.

I want you.

In the vibrations of my phone and the many many calls.

I feel you.

In the exhaustion creeping into me, and the empty journey back home.

I miss you

In the night's stillness and no one to call.

Un long attend

It feels so good to know.

To actually know who you want to marry.

And as I look around and see people struggling.

Some to find their "one". Some too blind to see they have the one. And some doing their best to accept what they do have.

I am thankful.

I know my life is uncertain. I know things may not happen the way I want them to. But I am thankful, that I do know what I want, and I do have it, now.

I know who I want to sleep and wake up with.

Who I want to cook for. And eat with.

Play stupid silly games with.

Cheat, win, lose. And then laugh.

I know who I want to trust my life with.

Confide in.

Comfort. And cuddle.

I know that at the end of a long bad day, all I need is to see their face.

I know I might not feel this tender about anyone else.

And that as days pass,

this tenderness will soon become ours.

Une forte émotion

Have you looked at someone with longing and contentment at the same time?

His face the last thing in your mind before you drifted to sleep
And the first one after you opened your eyes?

Have you felt his warmth even when you're miles away?
Or returned from a journey yearning to be back in his arms?

Felt at ease only in his presence...
Looked at him for barely a second...but your heart suddenly full?

How many times have you held someone without liking to let go?
Read their mind, eyes and smiles with the smallest effort?

Felt your face soften
And your voice become tender
Only when with them?

Have you instinctively called anyone when you're in the lift to your house after they dropped you a minute back after spending the whole day with you?

Or looked at someone and felt respect, love and gratitude well up within?

Or, wait, found yourself laughing more, thinking less and living in the moment?

Welcome to love.
Let's experience it together.

Une contemplation profonde

Today, I speak, as the spectator.
Not the gladiator, wounded and breathless.

Love is a glass cage.
However thick, no matter how many years it has stood and endured the outside. Protected the inside.
Still.
No matter how strong we are, how wary and alert.
Glass is brittle.
And when the cage breaks, we are hurt, terribly.
Ripped by the shards we took so long, piece by piece, to put together to shield us.
To create our own little world, and yet not be blind to the outside.
Glass is beautiful.
It lets us see, and still be away.
In this cage, we are warmed by each other.
We are together.
But we can feel the coolness of the outside wind on our faces.
And that feeling of security creeps upon us until we can feel it no more. It is within us.

And then the cage collapses.
The glass breaks.
It cannot withstand too much pressure, especially, continous thrust from within.
Outside strain we can withstand, holding the walls with our bare hearts.
But that from inside? Our hearts are already too exhausted to try.

And we bleed. Not too much, not too less. Continual drops that suck out each moment that we shared. We are too preoccupied trying to stop the damage we experience, individually, to put in effort to build our little cage.
After all, glass will break. Again.

And we are weighed down.
Our hearts so heavy.
Not with the gravity of pain or suffering.
But with the massive weight of emptiness.
That in its absence, weighs more.

Amour encore

Love is beautiful.

It is waking up in the morning to your voice.

And knowing that however bad my day will be, you'll be there to make it wortk getting through.

It is melting in the warmth of your smile.

And feeling tears of emotion well up in my eyes.

It is going to sleep, hurt and angry.

And waking up feeling completely free.

Hanging up.

And then calling back.

Because I miss your presence.

Even for those five minutes.

To look into your eyes.

And say a million things.

To feel you.

Even when you're not there.

It is to lie in your arms.

And speak of love, without a sound.

Amour.

No, I am not in a relationship.

I am, perhaps, too free-spirited for one.

But I am in love.

We do not go on dates.

We meet, to remember.

To remember what he smells like.

And how soft his smile is.

I do not need his touch to ignite me.

The spark in his eyes will do.

How many ever times we repeat the routine.

There is no monotony.

Because that moment is ours.

We own it. Control it.

We belong there.

And it might not be magical, or extraordinary.

But it is ours!

And no one else can touch it.

Je reviens.

I feel that familiar stirring within me.
I try to fight it, but not with too much force. I know it will take over.
I know my heart will withdraw and my brain will control the reins.

Oh what wouldn't I do for blissful ignorance?
For innocence and suprises. First times and expectations.
I have none.

Love makes me vulnerable. Fragile. Like a glass that breaks at the lightest touch. A flower that shrivels up at the slightest pressure.

Love makes me so irrational! The words are out of the mouth before they're scarcely formed in my head...

And I can hear my brain rebelling while my heart is humming and my head starts throbbing with all the noise... it gets really frustrating after a point.

Love makes me cry for things that would have never bothered me otherwise! I feel like a very badly plumbed tap with a really full tank.
Is there so much inside that wants to seep out?
I hope not.
Even if there is, it cannot.
Because everything is under my control.

Except, perhaps, Karma.
Or maybe that is too.
I just need some more insight.

Away from Karma and back to love.
Do I really NEED this?
I am in control from now. I will be and never cease to be.

Donnez moi quelques temps sabbatique

I've been losing a battle very close to my heart!
I fought for a looong, looong time.
My heart was full and my eyes were open and my brain was so fucking alive.

And suddenly, it was too much.
I looked around and found that I was alone on the battlefield!
Just one look at them and I forgot what I was here for. I forgot what I believed in, I forgot my pain. And most of all, I forgot my fear.

The war seemed pointless now. Should i succumb?
I retreated. A wounded soldier walking away from all he had worked for.
But my head was up.
And I was smiling.
It was like coming home. Finally.
A drink of water after an exhausting day. I lapped it up and felt the relief flood over me.

I am not stupid. The shrapnel wedged within me reminds me to be careful. Reminds me that there are more wars to prepare for and that this lapse might be temporary. I'm not saying it isn't permanent. I really wish it was. But I'm saying it also might not be.

There is caution deep within. A caution been built over years that has become me.

I am not afraid of falling in love. I am afraid of falling out of love. I am afraid spending countless days on things that seem important and then waking up one day realising they aren't.
Of course, those days aren't wasted. I'm not one to regret. Me being me; restless, impulsive and raring to go, will outrun them all.

But my feet are aching and I'd like to sit down for a while.

The memories, pain, people...yes they do follow me and that is annoying. But what really holds me down is something more selfish.

Some people say I'm "Too perfect to be true!". Sssssk.
Although I do know that isn't true, there is a little furry ball of ego that purrs to that.

Therefore, the high walls.

And opening those doors shatters the image. Illusion, I might like to add.

So my proud little feline scratches everytime someone gets too close in...because, to be honest, I do like being though of as perfect.

And this love thing...yeah, it ruins all that.
Why? Because for love, you need transparency.
And I'm not used to transparency.
I don't like it either.
Transparency makes you thin, weak and easy to break!

Why in the world would I blow away someone's mirage just to feed love?
Ok, you're hungry and all that. But you should be used to it by now!

Another thing that rings warning bells in my head is that my brain refuses to work when my heart is! They just cannot cooperate and I hate making the choice! It used to be brain but now suddenly it's becoming heart and I don't want to offend my brain because I REALLY will need it once my heart is weary.

I looooooooove being in control of myself! And this is freaking me out, because I actually feel happy when I'm not holding back.

There is always balance in life. And to cancel out this overload, there will be a vacancy I have to watch out for.

Hmmmm. Anyway, happiness and all is cool, so for the time being... bye :) I'm sure I'll see you soon :)

Arretez le trouve!

Today, just a while back, I asked God to give me the pain someone I like very much feels. Or atleast let me share the burden.

I, obviously, have never done this before.

Could this be love?
Maybe....or not.
But I don't care! Because right now, that feeling itself has liberated me from my inhibitions about love.
Why do I need the perfect love when I have this nameless happy compassionate feeling?

Right now, I'm loving life just living it. Experiencing so many new things....and things that I didn't experience for a very long time. Overwhelmed by these shadows of old emotions but feeling very much alive now, not like unemotional hard as a nail Roshini anymore.

So goodbye till I pass this phase!

J'ai besoin de aide!

I suffer from chronic dissatisfaction.
Yes, I knew what I wanted. Until it suddenly became what I didn't.

Who are you?

I still don't know what love is, and I'm sure, neither do you.
I was so close to it....I took the wrong turn and wound up somewhere far away with no inkling as to where to go.
I was so damn close I could inhale its sweetness as it clouded my mind...I could taste you.

And here I am, the faintest of its smells lingering as I try, in vain, lane after lane to that very spot. That spot where I was engulfed in you.
I know that you lost your way too, or journeyed ahead. I know that even if I find my way back, you will not be there. I will find another traveller, weary and aching, who trusted his senses. And I will look at him, and we will smile, and everything will be alright. Sugar will exude from my pores. My heart will be light and heavy at the same time. And I will link the taste to him, not you.

I am surprised. This time I thought I was right. I wandered the desert for days, no water, no life, just a memory of that place. And when I saw it, the relief I felt knew no bounds. I was water, I was life. I was the sun soaking up the desert sand in my warmth.

And then the mirage shattered.
I was shattered.

I saw him.
He wasn't wandering.
He was laughing. Laughing at me. Laughing at my tireless journey to there and away from you.
And I found myself smiling in spite of myself.
I forgot all, I forgot them. I forgot you. I forgot cold people knocking at my window.
He wasn't cold. He was warmer than the desert sun, and it enveloped me in a gust of hot dry wind that left my head spinning.

What was I doing here? I'm supposed to be walking. Searching.
He dispelled my mirage! Why did he?

I looked around and saw nothing but him.
I ignored him, and continued searching. My mirage was haunting me, even though I knew it wasn't real now.
Let go, he said. Come with me to the truth.
I ignored him.
I still am.
But his voice is getting steadily louder.

Cava bien?

Hey.
I miss you.
Yes, I do.
At times like this, when I look at myself and see you.
Why?

I have no clue what I've become.
I just CANNOT love.
Atleast, not the way I used to.
I cannot love, wholely, entirely, without thought.
I cannot love blindly, without doubt.
I cannot give myself completely to someone, I just can't!
Everytime, every relationship, however significant, I find myself thinking, measuring and calculating.
I find myself doubting, wondering and building little walls.

Why can't I love anyone the way I loved you?
We had nothing special...nothing extraordinary. Nothing to weep and be sleepless about.
Then why can't I have myself back?

I used to be so vulnerable around you. I wore my heart on my sleeve, no matter how dangerous that was for me. Bruised repeatedly.
And you....your vulnerability was what made me love you. And after a while... it just disappeared! If only you had shown me... atleast once...once in a hundred times... just showed me how vulnerable you could be....or atleast might be...I would have stayed.

Isn't it ironic? I've become the person I left you for being.
Learning from you, I've got rid of my vulnerability. Not just hiding it, it isn't even there! I find myself unaffected...by everyone. No relationship of mine has the power to stir within me some deep unshakeable emotion like what we had....and for that I am very pained. Don't flatter yourself, I hardly remember. I don't need you and nor do I want you. But I really wish I did! I wish I needed you and wanted with you with so much desperation that it left some great impact on me, because honestly, everything in my life seems so meaningless...so devoid of passion.

Remember you used to tell me that * was the only person who I cared about in the world? The only person whose absence could tear my heart apart? Well, even that isn't true anymore. I find that I don't need or want anyone in my life! I'm so happy by myself! And I really wish I didn't feel so complete... I'm more used to broken hearts...not this!

And here I am, just like you, so sure and so whole. I want to be vulnerable, I want to cry at things that I'm not supposed to (or even supposed to) cry for, I want to love with no inhibitions and I want to hurt so much I can't feel myself anymore.

Thank you...thank you so much for making me you.
And thank you for coming, staying and then going away. It's not that I miss you... it's only at times like this when I'm so full of surprise and self doubt that I remember you. Just that...WHY?
Why did I have to experience, learn, understand and become so many necessary things? Why couldn't I just have been unrequited, unfulfilled, immature and misunderstood?

And here he is, more vulnerable than anyone I have seen before, so vulnerable that it makes me weep inside...I don't want to do to him what you did to me. Nothing is irrepairable but there'll be a lot of lost time.... and there's no more time to lose.

I'm pissed now! I know you're back to your boring life and I'm here, happy and at peace. I should be thankful- but I'm not! I want to depend on SOMEONE! I want to love! I've always been upset at how easily I fall in love....but this time I'm upset I just cannot do it like before! I want to love him truly, completely and deeply...but I'm so consumed by myself I cannot.

Thank you again, for teaching me how to be you, even if it was in a hard way.
I'll get through this without you.

C'est quoi? Je ne comprend pas

Surprised at the frequency? Join the club.

I've always been terribly impulsive. But in a detached way. As in, I take full responsibility of my actions and their consequences, but I'm blissfully unaffected by them. I'd become cold blooded and insensitive and my life soon became a very easy one to live...even if quite empty.

I trusted no one, which was quite unfortunate because too many people trusted me. I know I should have been burdened by that weight but the shameless truth is that I'd thrown away all that baggage as soon as I received it.

It had been a while since I missed anyone. Abscence, however long, didn't affect me. I'd taught myself to live without anyone and I did want people to be less dependent on me too. No expectations to fulfill, either way. Good life.

Bad news, bad days, bad actions- they stirred up no ill feelings in me. I found myself being very objective and detached to events in my life, which was pretty cool. Yes, there were days when I was cold, lonely and starving for some emotion, some love, but most of the time I just let them pass. The times I didn't...well they soon became yesterday.

I was becoming resistant to pain. Ok, if not resistant, atleast used to it. I found that I could swallow it no sooner than when it threatened to bubble up. No no, there isn't any "residual pain" or anything sedimented within me, releasing its toxic vapours bit by bit. So wipe that "I feel so sorry for you" expression off your face. All these were my choices, and I'm proud of them.

So as I was saying, I didn't feel its enormity weighing me down or slowing me when I run too fast. In fact, I'd become pretty oblivious to its existence. If it is even there, that is.

And then suddenly everything changed.

It's like waking up from a dream. A dream where everything was perfect, happy and so easy.. a dream where you're already dressed and leaving for college and then AARGH! your alarm clock rings and reminds you that not only are you late to college, you still have to get up and get ready.

I woke up from that dream today. Luckily there wasn't any hurry to go any place.. and there wasn't a necessity for me to wake up. In fact, I can go back to sleep now.

Do I choose to? I don't know myself.

When a heart breaks it doesn't break even and I've unfortunately been at the more generous end. And now that my heart is whole and healing again (sutures are drying, thank god) I don't want to give any more. I don't want to be Miss-Charity-let's-work-things-out.

I mean...I KNOW what's bad for me! And I KNOW I can avoid it! So wouldn't the smart thing to do be to avoid it?

I'm not afraid of love. It's a fun thing. Waking up knowing that however bad your day might be, there's always someone who brightens it up.... phone conversations while simultaneously finishing your homework, assignments and record work.... talking to someone until you fall asleep so that you're not afraid to sleep alone... laughing so hard your stomach hurts.... good stuff.

What I am afraid of is loving, completely, hopelessly, blindly and madly. Why? Because I'm already complete and I don't want to be hopeless, blind or mad. Nooo thank you.

I mean...WHY? What is the necessity to get into a situation when you NEED someone? Nobody needs anyone except themselves, for God's sake! Putting your every breath, spirit and essence into something that holds some promise but no concreteness is not my idea of a good decision. Yeah, you're going to say it's me who has to lay the concrete...but I'm exhausted! I've laid (and removed, with much difficulty) enough concrete to last me a lifetime. Just that familiar smell of concrete love and commitment is enough to make me tremble. What? Yeah, I'm afraid of commitment. In my defence, I'd like to say that this is recent, and a while back I was considered a very commitment-person.

SO. Where is this monologue heading? Nowhere. I just wanted to vent, thanks for listening :)

I REALLY want to sleep!! But I'm unable to switch off the damn alarm!

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What do you do with 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife?