Je reviens.

I feel that familiar stirring within me.
I try to fight it, but not with too much force. I know it will take over.
I know my heart will withdraw and my brain will control the reins.

Oh what wouldn't I do for blissful ignorance?
For innocence and suprises. First times and expectations.
I have none.

Love makes me vulnerable. Fragile. Like a glass that breaks at the lightest touch. A flower that shrivels up at the slightest pressure.

Love makes me so irrational! The words are out of the mouth before they're scarcely formed in my head...

And I can hear my brain rebelling while my heart is humming and my head starts throbbing with all the noise... it gets really frustrating after a point.

Love makes me cry for things that would have never bothered me otherwise! I feel like a very badly plumbed tap with a really full tank.
Is there so much inside that wants to seep out?
I hope not.
Even if there is, it cannot.
Because everything is under my control.

Except, perhaps, Karma.
Or maybe that is too.
I just need some more insight.

Away from Karma and back to love.
Do I really NEED this?
I am in control from now. I will be and never cease to be.

Donnez moi quelques temps sabbatique

I've been losing a battle very close to my heart!
I fought for a looong, looong time.
My heart was full and my eyes were open and my brain was so fucking alive.

And suddenly, it was too much.
I looked around and found that I was alone on the battlefield!
Just one look at them and I forgot what I was here for. I forgot what I believed in, I forgot my pain. And most of all, I forgot my fear.

The war seemed pointless now. Should i succumb?
I retreated. A wounded soldier walking away from all he had worked for.
But my head was up.
And I was smiling.
It was like coming home. Finally.
A drink of water after an exhausting day. I lapped it up and felt the relief flood over me.

I am not stupid. The shrapnel wedged within me reminds me to be careful. Reminds me that there are more wars to prepare for and that this lapse might be temporary. I'm not saying it isn't permanent. I really wish it was. But I'm saying it also might not be.

There is caution deep within. A caution been built over years that has become me.

I am not afraid of falling in love. I am afraid of falling out of love. I am afraid spending countless days on things that seem important and then waking up one day realising they aren't.
Of course, those days aren't wasted. I'm not one to regret. Me being me; restless, impulsive and raring to go, will outrun them all.

But my feet are aching and I'd like to sit down for a while.

The memories, pain, people...yes they do follow me and that is annoying. But what really holds me down is something more selfish.

Some people say I'm "Too perfect to be true!". Sssssk.
Although I do know that isn't true, there is a little furry ball of ego that purrs to that.

Therefore, the high walls.

And opening those doors shatters the image. Illusion, I might like to add.

So my proud little feline scratches everytime someone gets too close in...because, to be honest, I do like being though of as perfect.

And this love thing...yeah, it ruins all that.
Why? Because for love, you need transparency.
And I'm not used to transparency.
I don't like it either.
Transparency makes you thin, weak and easy to break!

Why in the world would I blow away someone's mirage just to feed love?
Ok, you're hungry and all that. But you should be used to it by now!

Another thing that rings warning bells in my head is that my brain refuses to work when my heart is! They just cannot cooperate and I hate making the choice! It used to be brain but now suddenly it's becoming heart and I don't want to offend my brain because I REALLY will need it once my heart is weary.

I looooooooove being in control of myself! And this is freaking me out, because I actually feel happy when I'm not holding back.

There is always balance in life. And to cancel out this overload, there will be a vacancy I have to watch out for.

Hmmmm. Anyway, happiness and all is cool, so for the time being... bye :) I'm sure I'll see you soon :)

Arretez le trouve!

Today, just a while back, I asked God to give me the pain someone I like very much feels. Or atleast let me share the burden.

I, obviously, have never done this before.

Could this be love?
Maybe....or not.
But I don't care! Because right now, that feeling itself has liberated me from my inhibitions about love.
Why do I need the perfect love when I have this nameless happy compassionate feeling?

Right now, I'm loving life just living it. Experiencing so many new things....and things that I didn't experience for a very long time. Overwhelmed by these shadows of old emotions but feeling very much alive now, not like unemotional hard as a nail Roshini anymore.

So goodbye till I pass this phase!

J'ai besoin de aide!

I suffer from chronic dissatisfaction.
Yes, I knew what I wanted. Until it suddenly became what I didn't.

Who are you?

I still don't know what love is, and I'm sure, neither do you.
I was so close to it....I took the wrong turn and wound up somewhere far away with no inkling as to where to go.
I was so damn close I could inhale its sweetness as it clouded my mind...I could taste you.

And here I am, the faintest of its smells lingering as I try, in vain, lane after lane to that very spot. That spot where I was engulfed in you.
I know that you lost your way too, or journeyed ahead. I know that even if I find my way back, you will not be there. I will find another traveller, weary and aching, who trusted his senses. And I will look at him, and we will smile, and everything will be alright. Sugar will exude from my pores. My heart will be light and heavy at the same time. And I will link the taste to him, not you.

I am surprised. This time I thought I was right. I wandered the desert for days, no water, no life, just a memory of that place. And when I saw it, the relief I felt knew no bounds. I was water, I was life. I was the sun soaking up the desert sand in my warmth.

And then the mirage shattered.
I was shattered.

I saw him.
He wasn't wandering.
He was laughing. Laughing at me. Laughing at my tireless journey to there and away from you.
And I found myself smiling in spite of myself.
I forgot all, I forgot them. I forgot you. I forgot cold people knocking at my window.
He wasn't cold. He was warmer than the desert sun, and it enveloped me in a gust of hot dry wind that left my head spinning.

What was I doing here? I'm supposed to be walking. Searching.
He dispelled my mirage! Why did he?

I looked around and saw nothing but him.
I ignored him, and continued searching. My mirage was haunting me, even though I knew it wasn't real now.
Let go, he said. Come with me to the truth.
I ignored him.
I still am.
But his voice is getting steadily louder.

Cava bien?

Hey.
I miss you.
Yes, I do.
At times like this, when I look at myself and see you.
Why?

I have no clue what I've become.
I just CANNOT love.
Atleast, not the way I used to.
I cannot love, wholely, entirely, without thought.
I cannot love blindly, without doubt.
I cannot give myself completely to someone, I just can't!
Everytime, every relationship, however significant, I find myself thinking, measuring and calculating.
I find myself doubting, wondering and building little walls.

Why can't I love anyone the way I loved you?
We had nothing special...nothing extraordinary. Nothing to weep and be sleepless about.
Then why can't I have myself back?

I used to be so vulnerable around you. I wore my heart on my sleeve, no matter how dangerous that was for me. Bruised repeatedly.
And you....your vulnerability was what made me love you. And after a while... it just disappeared! If only you had shown me... atleast once...once in a hundred times... just showed me how vulnerable you could be....or atleast might be...I would have stayed.

Isn't it ironic? I've become the person I left you for being.
Learning from you, I've got rid of my vulnerability. Not just hiding it, it isn't even there! I find myself unaffected...by everyone. No relationship of mine has the power to stir within me some deep unshakeable emotion like what we had....and for that I am very pained. Don't flatter yourself, I hardly remember. I don't need you and nor do I want you. But I really wish I did! I wish I needed you and wanted with you with so much desperation that it left some great impact on me, because honestly, everything in my life seems so meaningless...so devoid of passion.

Remember you used to tell me that * was the only person who I cared about in the world? The only person whose absence could tear my heart apart? Well, even that isn't true anymore. I find that I don't need or want anyone in my life! I'm so happy by myself! And I really wish I didn't feel so complete... I'm more used to broken hearts...not this!

And here I am, just like you, so sure and so whole. I want to be vulnerable, I want to cry at things that I'm not supposed to (or even supposed to) cry for, I want to love with no inhibitions and I want to hurt so much I can't feel myself anymore.

Thank you...thank you so much for making me you.
And thank you for coming, staying and then going away. It's not that I miss you... it's only at times like this when I'm so full of surprise and self doubt that I remember you. Just that...WHY?
Why did I have to experience, learn, understand and become so many necessary things? Why couldn't I just have been unrequited, unfulfilled, immature and misunderstood?

And here he is, more vulnerable than anyone I have seen before, so vulnerable that it makes me weep inside...I don't want to do to him what you did to me. Nothing is irrepairable but there'll be a lot of lost time.... and there's no more time to lose.

I'm pissed now! I know you're back to your boring life and I'm here, happy and at peace. I should be thankful- but I'm not! I want to depend on SOMEONE! I want to love! I've always been upset at how easily I fall in love....but this time I'm upset I just cannot do it like before! I want to love him truly, completely and deeply...but I'm so consumed by myself I cannot.

Thank you again, for teaching me how to be you, even if it was in a hard way.
I'll get through this without you.