Husband

If I am a fish,
He is the ocean that breathes life into me.
The waves that push me forward
The tide that protects me.

He can sometimes be rough to others,
But to me he is always the same
Unchanging
Because I live too deep inside him
And he engulfs me forever.

Seule

Everyone comes to a point in their life when it's time to let go.

And although the thought of being alone scares you, the biggest burden leaves- taking with it your expectations, attachment, anger and pain.

As the fear settles down, it eventually ebbs away; just like the a puddle slowly makes its way into the drain once the rain stops.

Some things are so sad they're beautiful

Sadness is in itself very beautiful.

Grief, loneliness.. these are not

Atleast, not to me.

It's the quiet sadness that stirs me

Is happiness beautiful? I don't think so.

Course it feels good to be happy... but is that beautiful? Oh no.

Because only in pain 

You learn to accept.

Like getting into a bath tub

and feeling it envelop you

Just little ripples, like the water.

It gently flows over you.. not drown you

Cause you remember there is a bottom

A strong base that you just submit to

And rest upon, feeling at peace.

 

You detach now

You've become the observer

Like how you look at those painted toes

Put up carelessly on the rim

And forget....that they're yours.

Ver

I feel a worm wriggling in my head. Coiling and uncoiling at my slightest thought.
Sometimes I feel him plastered to the walls of my skull, begging me to stop.
He feeds on my thoughts. I watch in silent satisfaction as he consumes them. Memories, words, fleeting moments, empathy... he chews on them all.
All those that refused to fade, I know where to dispose of them now.

The back of my head must be pretty congested with all those stray feelings floating around.
Yes, I've locked him in there. And every now and then I stretch open one of the bars and push in some more junk.

Mercilessly feeding him more than he can swallow.

There are times when I feel guilty. He was just an innocent little worm, looking for food.

But the selfish human nature takes over me, and I utilize him.

I wonder why I do it though. The more I feed him the bigger he gets. The more he writhes in obese discomfort. And the more often he wakes me up. Especially when I'm in the middle of an intellectual stupor- a meaningless conversation or situation.
That's when I sit up real straight and try to push him back into his cell. Stop squirming, I order. And then I plead. I understand his frustrations....but he was supposed to deal with mine.
And there I am, my screams silenced by the hustle bustle of everyday life as I struggle to hold him down.
I manage to calm him as I pet his head with selfish concern. Don't fret, I say. I will release you soon.
But I know I won't. My only worry is if he will outgrow my head. My promises are a distant dream.

His prison is too dark for me to be appalled by his pathetic state.
So I just shrug like I always do and turn away.

Away from my own thoughts, emotions and pain.
Because I somehow made them his
And so now they don't concern me
Except when he wakes up.

Jardin

Life is a garden.

God's garden.

And all of us are just flowers.

Planted by him.

He lets us grow.

At our own paces.

And to our own extents.

He already knows what we will bloom into.

So except for occasional weeding,

And the daily watering,

He only sits back and watches.

As we grow, wither.. and fall.

But sometimes

He sees a flower so beautiful

Perfect, vibrant, and like no other flower he has ever grown before.

So lovely that even He gets tempted

And plucks the flower... when in full bloom.

He keeps it with him from then on

Like a proud child displaying a prize in his room

And we are left behind

Living in the fragrance

Of that beautiful flower

Of you.

Depeche

Life waits for noone.

Love waits for nobody either.

But they do not run hand in hand.

Life is love's treadmill, forever moving.

And love runs on life's course,

Faster, slower, steeper and lower.

Without the power to manually change the speed

Unknowing what comes next

A speed so fast that love does not have the time to slow down

And check

Check if there are stones that might hurt her

Or maybe a weed to trip on

Love waits for nobody

Because she already knows

She knows who she is running to

And life is just the path that she has to take

to fulfill her destiny

So when you're broken

Love lost

and bitter

Just remember this:

Do not run behind the guy who will not wait for you

Do not wait for the guy who refuses to catch up with you

Love is like a partner dance- you let go, move away and they come swiftly to you. Then they let go, and you gracefully pull them back.

This pattern keeps happening in turns, forever.

Mutual dependency

Never one sided

So

Be with the guy who slows down when he sees you lagging behind

The guy who you slow down for, when you don't see him

Running by your side

Because you realized....that you want him to

New Year

The last year had been pretty hard. Quite a roller coaster ride. Good things followed by sharp bad turns. Turns out that I was right all along- nothing is permanent, karma kicks your ass real hard and the only answer to this crazy cycle is to stop, breathe, take a step away, and watch it from stands.

What do I mean? Well- the sole way to be happy is to quit expecting things, quit getting attached and most importantly, quit being what people want you to be.

Bystanders are never left scathed by the fire of the track. It is the racers, hoping, dreaming and wishing who end up getting burnt by the heat of their desires. Oh, yes, and by that of the other racers as well. The faster you go, the harder you try, the closer you get to having your heart wrenched.

Loss is the one thing in the world that really cannot be compensated for.

Maybe it's time to let go.

This new year- I resolve to do just that.

Starting with the "easy" trivial things:

I resolve to eat healthier.

To exercise more.

To laugh harder.

And let no one claim me his own.

I resolve to be detached

Let nothing affect me- people, thing or circumstance.

To leave no word unsaid. To speak my mind, wear my heart on my sleeve.

I resolve to give in to pain.

To stop pretending that things are okay.

And let healing take its natural course.

I resolve to spend more time with my family.

Because they need me more than anyone else.

I resolve to change what I cannot accept and accept what I cannot change.

However, I also resolve not to forgive easily, and to always hold my own.

I resolve to feel better about myself.

Stop being so critical about how I look.

About how I feel.

And most of all, how others make me feel.

I resolve to discover the happiness in every moment.

A smile, the rain... or even just a nearby squirrel.

I resolve to stop and linger, instead of just passing the moment by.

It is the little things that truly make me happy.

I resolve to stop wanting, and watch things fall into place.

I resolve to stop searching and let my destiny find me.

A fly on the wall.

Just like you were.

So happy.

Liberation

I am a wild horse that needs to be tamed.

Tamed before I can be of any use... like a piece of red hot iron moulded in a cast- I might burn you otherwise.

After all, only a secured horse can run the race.

I've been tame for so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to gallop, without a care in my head. To stop only when I want to... and then, move on. On that journey to nowhere, that quest for nothing, just a blissful unknown ahead.

Wild animals don't think twice.

And now when the reins have been lifted from my previously bridled mane, I am too free... to be me.

Like an ecstatic canine whose leash has been let go of.. I am delirious.

Sometimes, when this rush of freedom gets too heady for me to contain, I find myself longing to be saddled again.

Tame, and safe.

A belonging again.

Learning new things every day

Today I learnt,

The older you turn, the less gaping age differences seem.

Closure is sometimes unnecessary.

When you tell someone repeatedly that something is pointless/impossible/stupid, you're actually hoping wildly that they'll point out why you're wrong.

Something is "wrong" only if it has consequences. Bad ones.

The truth does set you free.

Yes, everything dies a natural death. You cannot resurrect anything, but you can save a dying plant by cutting off the diseased leaves before it gets too late.

Reaffirming that Love is only acceptance. It can be devoid of passion, excitement and surprises but still very much be "love".

And the most important of them all- There are many ways to climb a mountain.

And I'm going back to continue climbing mine.

Au contraire?

One of those days.

Where everything seems to be going on fine.. everything in place. You're so sure about where you are, where you're heading, and who you're with.

And then BAM! Life throws this thing on the side of your path. You're walking, and you notice it, momentarily distracted. On closer look, it's a shiny stone that has potential for you to chisel into something beautiful.

What DO you choose to do then?

Do you stay back, certain you made the right decision?

Do you go ahead, not willing to waste time on something unsubstantial?

Or do you carry that heavy stone along to where you go? Burdened by its presence, yet unable to let go?

I have yet to decide.

Staying back is a terrible gamble. Going ahead leaves room for wishful thinking.

But carrying it along? That would only bring pain and regret.

Anyway.

I know I'm not a sculptor. I would never be able to chisel that stone into something extraordinary. But should I try?

Or should I just kick it away as I would any other rock that was in my way?

One thing I know, is that I will not carry it along.

Why? Because the person walking with me will be bogged down on our journey as I struggle with the load.

That makes me wonder now.

What if I was walking alone?

Would I stay back and experiment with each shiny stone I encounter?

Or would I just swing my arms, and skip into the unknown, paying no heed to what is around me?

I would prefer the second one.

To be free as a butterfly, flitting from flower to flower, with no fixed place to call my own.

To live as it comes, the wind in my face and my feet in the water.

Reading a book and scratching my cat behind her ears.

And watching you all, working so very hard.

To build castles, relationships and meaning

On something that doesn't even exist.

A life.

Mon amour

There is a difference between being in love and loving.

Tell me, how long can you actually “be” in something? Not long before you become claustrophobic and crave space.

But how long can you “feel” something? Forever.

I’m not in love with you. I love you.

Like two trees that go through all the seasons, summer spring winter and autumn. They grow together, blossom together. And after all the pretty flowers have fallen from their branches, they look at each other, bare and exposed and realize that they were two trees, but are now only one.

Sparks and thrills is relationships, they’re just a weak man’s invention to explain something he doesn’t fully understand.

Sparks and thrills are short lived, by definition itself.

It’s an illusion for lazy people who aren’t willing to look past the flowers into the strong trees that have borne them.

And I’ve been lazy all my life.

Not anymore though.

I realized. That there never was any spark. There was always a fire, raging and intense. And no fire can die an eventual death unless we put them out ourselves.

Sparks die a natural death, once their purpose is served. To ignite a fire, that consumes everything. Every inch of doubt, anger, guilt, hatred and pain. True, fires mellow down. But they always stoke right back up again.

And that fire is burning, overwhelming, again.

Mon reve

Life is just a transition from one phase to another. Some may be smooth, some not quite.

It is this transcend from birth to experience to experience to (experience)^n to death which constitutes life.

Who knows, even death might be a phase. But I'd rather not talk about death...it depresses me.

Anyway...LIFE.

Change is the only thing that is constant, as we all (wise people) know.

And I've always welcomed change with open arms.

I can't be with the same person, in the same place doing the same thing. Not only does it drive me crazy...it makes me supremely dissatisfied and triggers a series of thoughts questioning the meaning of my life, and how to rid it of this monotony.

Yes, even now I sometimes feel that way. But the frequency has decreased greatly. I guess that means I'm happy with you. :)

So, what was I talking about? Yes, changes.

The ones that annoy us, the ones that we're thrilled about. The ones that wrench your heartstrings and the ones that can help you breathe again. They're INEVITABLE. One thing I learnt from life is that the present is inevitable. If the present was to be another way, then it would be that way, and not this!

Life gives us exactly what we need, and not what we want. It's like sliding down a looooong water slide at the swimming pool. You can't see what's down, how deep the pool is, and if there is anyone who you might accidently land upon, but you trust enough to just close your eyes and let go.

Life's isn't about holding on, but letting go.

Like picking up a handful of sand at the beach, clasped tightly in your palm. The tighter your grip, the faster it trickles away. You just let it be, and it stays.

Live life by your own terms and the right things will come your way, is something a friend told me recently. What could make better sense than that?

So next time I have to choose between myself, and the greater good, it will be me.

Sacrificing or indulging, it will be me.

Moving on or cradling you, it will be me.

But sometimes I am only human too. Above that, I am a woman, sensitive, fiery and vulnerable. Hey! I said vulnerable, not weak.

When I remember your past eagerness and compare it your present complacence...it does hurt.

But I will hold my head up high... and remember. That I am me, and there will be no other me. There will be no other person living this very life again.

So I will swallow deeply, and exhale. I will smile, and abstain. And one fine day, when I am nearing my Utopia, I will spread my wings... and fly to it. Of course, you all exist. And I love you. But I matter the most.

Free from the bridles of society, civilization and insecurities. I will hold the reins.

And as I am sipping my iced tea, enjoying the view, my dog clambering onto my already cat-filled lap....I will look at you, toiling and shoving. In this world, where in the end, it all hardly matters.

Arretez!

I've been running all through my life. Running towards a goal, something that will supposedly add meaning and significance to my life. But as I reached it, I noticed that my goal transcended into something bigger. So, the journey wasn't over! Through these 3 years "THE GOAL" shifted from being Class rep, to Exec rep, to getting GP, to being nominated, to winning, to getting best outgoing of dept...and then? Best outgoing of college?

Ok so I'm college president. And I am mostly getting the GP this year. SO? So what? This time... I'm not going to run anymore. "Best Outgoing student" awards don't matter.

Why do we run so much? I remember reading in a Reader's Digest edition that when compared to running, jogging is much more effective.

So my message to you all today is- Stop running....start jogging!

Insane? No! Running only makes you exhausted... jogging keeps your energy until the end.

When we run we're so blind to the road. We might trip and fall, because we're not looking down. We're too fast, and the journey is just a blur to us. We don't see the other people in our way, we're oblivious to their presence because we're only looking at the finish line!

Life's not a race! Life's about the journey...not the destination.

So find your own pace, one that you're comfortable with. And start jogging. Smile at the people in your way, and enjoy every moment of your journey.

Cause it's worth it.

Life's too short to just walk slowly through....but it's also too beautiful to just run through!

An ode to someone wonderful

Dear God,

It's been a while hasn't it? Since I acknowledged that that voice in my head...was you.

You're always there. When I'm good, bad, happy, sad....now that's cliched.

Let me stray.

All those times I needed to get things done....you did them for me. Those OAT's we hadn't prepared for....you became my quick thinking.

Those people I had forgotten to inform about important things...you became their mild temper.

And those scheming conversations....my, you became my smooth words!

This entire year when I've been acting only for myself.....you kept me company.

Yes, no body is perfect and I stand testament to that. And you soiled yourself by merging into my unclean self....I love you for that. Nobody else would give up God status to become part human, lol.

Are you my soul then? The proof of non-duality? I hope not.

Because I want you to be me, mind, body and soul.

I know you share my pain. There, we're treading on the cliches again.

Let me start again.

Your presence has made me quite impervious to pain. Thank you.

Thank you for healing me in seconds. I know it mightn't have been quite easy for you to bend nature's process of emotions for me.

But then, maybe you aren't bending anything, are you.

You're just enhancing the wonderful cycle of Karma that I so strongly respect you for creating.

What better way to let us, humans, to be in charge of our own lives? You're truly wonderful.

Thank you for giving me anger and a sharp tongue when I find things I'm unable to express. You aren't a Goody-two-shoes, I have to give you that ;)

And thank you for letting me see, in my own way how everything turned out only the way I allowed it to turn out.

I trust you so much, and I know you will punish all those who have wronged me.

I feel sorry that they don't quite understand you like I do.

Whats the point of worshipping idols, symbols and reading "holy" passages? Performing sacred rites, cleansing our body and being abstinent?

You created me the way you wanted me to be, and you want me to be me and not something else.

For perfection you have yourself, and it must be tiring for you to see that all the time. You made me so that I can be your fun, your little video game where you can be imperfect and face some trials, atleast once in a while.

What is the point of religion, "good character", morals, societal norms, dress codes, fancy prayers and holy books, when I know that all I need is to feel your presence to know you exist.

No proof, no form, no body, no astounding feats, no face to relate you with, no name, no gender, no age and definitely no history, none whatsoever, to know that your greatest miracle is life in itself, the journey from you, and back to you, through you and with you...the greatest joy is to travel with you, from you, to you, and through you.... feel you throughout....within me.

I do not need a channel or a community to know you for who you are- a faceless, nameless beautiful wonderful thing that I cannot term a person, spirit or energy, because you are infinite and encompass all things definable.

Oh god, if I start talking about you, I will never stop, you know that.

All those little and big things that you've done, to reaffirm your presence in me makes me giggle. You truly are mischievous aren't you :) Just like Robin Hood got a thrill stealing from the rich to help the poor, you get a thrill stealing from life and giving unto me.

You don't make miracles. You are the miracle. And this whole universe, sitting within you, along with me, this ugly world and the rest of the idiots who ruin my day, is nothing compared to your immensity. You bring meaning to my everyday, because as each second passes, I know I am going closer to the purpose you have in mind for me, closer to the experiences you have in store for me. And I trust you. Completely.

Dear god,

Thank you for being with me.....and please do continue being by my side forever.

Mon dieu!

Somewhere in the midst of searching frantically

Welcoming people, then seeing them off....I forgot

Somewhere in the midst of sound checks, hanging banners

Surveying stalls and pacing around..... I forgot

Somewhere in the midst of following orders, then giving them

A million thoughts in my head and equally many people to thank.... I forgot

I forgot to thank you, my God.

For the wonderful day I had- only because of you.

And all these days I was proud of myself

But now I see

I'm only....proud of you.

For Dhwani 2009, and you.

Ce qui est cela?

We've forgotten

How to wait

After those packed schedules

How to miss

After those Skype conversations

How to savour

After those 2 minute noodles

How to laugh aloud

After those "LOL's"

How to express

After those animated smileys

How to think

After those "spell-check"s

How to tolerate

After those instant-relief pills

But most of all,

We've forgotten

How to love

In the midst of those stupid romantic forwards, kissing smileys, floating hearts on a computer screen, "luv u 4evr", web-cameras, customized hello tunes, unlimited SMSes and rate cutters,

We've forgotten

How to exchange a subtle look

or to feel your heart skip a beat

after the ring of a long awaited call

or even read something beautiful

and rememeber somebody

We've forgotten

The warmth of a smile

The softness of a touch

How to hold someone

and speak of love

.

.

.

without a sound.

Pour quelques temps seulement

I miss you.

In the morning rays of the sun, and the ringing of my alarm clock.

I hear you.

In the crying of my kittens and the softness of their fur.

I see you.

In the worst of my dreams and the tears that blur my eyes.

I want you.

In the vibrations of my phone and the many many calls.

I feel you.

In the exhaustion creeping into me, and the empty journey back home.

I miss you

In the night's stillness and no one to call.

Un long attend

It feels so good to know.

To actually know who you want to marry.

And as I look around and see people struggling.

Some to find their "one". Some too blind to see they have the one. And some doing their best to accept what they do have.

I am thankful.

I know my life is uncertain. I know things may not happen the way I want them to. But I am thankful, that I do know what I want, and I do have it, now.

I know who I want to sleep and wake up with.

Who I want to cook for. And eat with.

Play stupid silly games with.

Cheat, win, lose. And then laugh.

I know who I want to trust my life with.

Confide in.

Comfort. And cuddle.

I know that at the end of a long bad day, all I need is to see their face.

I know I might not feel this tender about anyone else.

And that as days pass,

this tenderness will soon become ours.

Une forte émotion

Have you looked at someone with longing and contentment at the same time?

His face the last thing in your mind before you drifted to sleep
And the first one after you opened your eyes?

Have you felt his warmth even when you're miles away?
Or returned from a journey yearning to be back in his arms?

Felt at ease only in his presence...
Looked at him for barely a second...but your heart suddenly full?

How many times have you held someone without liking to let go?
Read their mind, eyes and smiles with the smallest effort?

Felt your face soften
And your voice become tender
Only when with them?

Have you instinctively called anyone when you're in the lift to your house after they dropped you a minute back after spending the whole day with you?

Or looked at someone and felt respect, love and gratitude well up within?

Or, wait, found yourself laughing more, thinking less and living in the moment?

Welcome to love.
Let's experience it together.

Une contemplation profonde

Today, I speak, as the spectator.
Not the gladiator, wounded and breathless.

Love is a glass cage.
However thick, no matter how many years it has stood and endured the outside. Protected the inside.
Still.
No matter how strong we are, how wary and alert.
Glass is brittle.
And when the cage breaks, we are hurt, terribly.
Ripped by the shards we took so long, piece by piece, to put together to shield us.
To create our own little world, and yet not be blind to the outside.
Glass is beautiful.
It lets us see, and still be away.
In this cage, we are warmed by each other.
We are together.
But we can feel the coolness of the outside wind on our faces.
And that feeling of security creeps upon us until we can feel it no more. It is within us.

And then the cage collapses.
The glass breaks.
It cannot withstand too much pressure, especially, continous thrust from within.
Outside strain we can withstand, holding the walls with our bare hearts.
But that from inside? Our hearts are already too exhausted to try.

And we bleed. Not too much, not too less. Continual drops that suck out each moment that we shared. We are too preoccupied trying to stop the damage we experience, individually, to put in effort to build our little cage.
After all, glass will break. Again.

And we are weighed down.
Our hearts so heavy.
Not with the gravity of pain or suffering.
But with the massive weight of emptiness.
That in its absence, weighs more.

Amour encore

Love is beautiful.

It is waking up in the morning to your voice.

And knowing that however bad my day will be, you'll be there to make it wortk getting through.

It is melting in the warmth of your smile.

And feeling tears of emotion well up in my eyes.

It is going to sleep, hurt and angry.

And waking up feeling completely free.

Hanging up.

And then calling back.

Because I miss your presence.

Even for those five minutes.

To look into your eyes.

And say a million things.

To feel you.

Even when you're not there.

It is to lie in your arms.

And speak of love, without a sound.