Une forte émotion

Have you looked at someone with longing and contentment at the same time?

His face the last thing in your mind before you drifted to sleep
And the first one after you opened your eyes?

Have you felt his warmth even when you're miles away?
Or returned from a journey yearning to be back in his arms?

Felt at ease only in his presence...
Looked at him for barely a second...but your heart suddenly full?

How many times have you held someone without liking to let go?
Read their mind, eyes and smiles with the smallest effort?

Felt your face soften
And your voice become tender
Only when with them?

Have you instinctively called anyone when you're in the lift to your house after they dropped you a minute back after spending the whole day with you?

Or looked at someone and felt respect, love and gratitude well up within?

Or, wait, found yourself laughing more, thinking less and living in the moment?

Welcome to love.
Let's experience it together.

Une contemplation profonde

Today, I speak, as the spectator.
Not the gladiator, wounded and breathless.

Love is a glass cage.
However thick, no matter how many years it has stood and endured the outside. Protected the inside.
Still.
No matter how strong we are, how wary and alert.
Glass is brittle.
And when the cage breaks, we are hurt, terribly.
Ripped by the shards we took so long, piece by piece, to put together to shield us.
To create our own little world, and yet not be blind to the outside.
Glass is beautiful.
It lets us see, and still be away.
In this cage, we are warmed by each other.
We are together.
But we can feel the coolness of the outside wind on our faces.
And that feeling of security creeps upon us until we can feel it no more. It is within us.

And then the cage collapses.
The glass breaks.
It cannot withstand too much pressure, especially, continous thrust from within.
Outside strain we can withstand, holding the walls with our bare hearts.
But that from inside? Our hearts are already too exhausted to try.

And we bleed. Not too much, not too less. Continual drops that suck out each moment that we shared. We are too preoccupied trying to stop the damage we experience, individually, to put in effort to build our little cage.
After all, glass will break. Again.

And we are weighed down.
Our hearts so heavy.
Not with the gravity of pain or suffering.
But with the massive weight of emptiness.
That in its absence, weighs more.

Amour encore

Love is beautiful.

It is waking up in the morning to your voice.

And knowing that however bad my day will be, you'll be there to make it wortk getting through.

It is melting in the warmth of your smile.

And feeling tears of emotion well up in my eyes.

It is going to sleep, hurt and angry.

And waking up feeling completely free.

Hanging up.

And then calling back.

Because I miss your presence.

Even for those five minutes.

To look into your eyes.

And say a million things.

To feel you.

Even when you're not there.

It is to lie in your arms.

And speak of love, without a sound.

Amour.

No, I am not in a relationship.

I am, perhaps, too free-spirited for one.

But I am in love.

We do not go on dates.

We meet, to remember.

To remember what he smells like.

And how soft his smile is.

I do not need his touch to ignite me.

The spark in his eyes will do.

How many ever times we repeat the routine.

There is no monotony.

Because that moment is ours.

We own it. Control it.

We belong there.

And it might not be magical, or extraordinary.

But it is ours!

And no one else can touch it.

Je reviens.

I feel that familiar stirring within me.
I try to fight it, but not with too much force. I know it will take over.
I know my heart will withdraw and my brain will control the reins.

Oh what wouldn't I do for blissful ignorance?
For innocence and suprises. First times and expectations.
I have none.

Love makes me vulnerable. Fragile. Like a glass that breaks at the lightest touch. A flower that shrivels up at the slightest pressure.

Love makes me so irrational! The words are out of the mouth before they're scarcely formed in my head...

And I can hear my brain rebelling while my heart is humming and my head starts throbbing with all the noise... it gets really frustrating after a point.

Love makes me cry for things that would have never bothered me otherwise! I feel like a very badly plumbed tap with a really full tank.
Is there so much inside that wants to seep out?
I hope not.
Even if there is, it cannot.
Because everything is under my control.

Except, perhaps, Karma.
Or maybe that is too.
I just need some more insight.

Away from Karma and back to love.
Do I really NEED this?
I am in control from now. I will be and never cease to be.

Donnez moi quelques temps sabbatique

I've been losing a battle very close to my heart!
I fought for a looong, looong time.
My heart was full and my eyes were open and my brain was so fucking alive.

And suddenly, it was too much.
I looked around and found that I was alone on the battlefield!
Just one look at them and I forgot what I was here for. I forgot what I believed in, I forgot my pain. And most of all, I forgot my fear.

The war seemed pointless now. Should i succumb?
I retreated. A wounded soldier walking away from all he had worked for.
But my head was up.
And I was smiling.
It was like coming home. Finally.
A drink of water after an exhausting day. I lapped it up and felt the relief flood over me.

I am not stupid. The shrapnel wedged within me reminds me to be careful. Reminds me that there are more wars to prepare for and that this lapse might be temporary. I'm not saying it isn't permanent. I really wish it was. But I'm saying it also might not be.

There is caution deep within. A caution been built over years that has become me.

I am not afraid of falling in love. I am afraid of falling out of love. I am afraid spending countless days on things that seem important and then waking up one day realising they aren't.
Of course, those days aren't wasted. I'm not one to regret. Me being me; restless, impulsive and raring to go, will outrun them all.

But my feet are aching and I'd like to sit down for a while.

The memories, pain, people...yes they do follow me and that is annoying. But what really holds me down is something more selfish.

Some people say I'm "Too perfect to be true!". Sssssk.
Although I do know that isn't true, there is a little furry ball of ego that purrs to that.

Therefore, the high walls.

And opening those doors shatters the image. Illusion, I might like to add.

So my proud little feline scratches everytime someone gets too close in...because, to be honest, I do like being though of as perfect.

And this love thing...yeah, it ruins all that.
Why? Because for love, you need transparency.
And I'm not used to transparency.
I don't like it either.
Transparency makes you thin, weak and easy to break!

Why in the world would I blow away someone's mirage just to feed love?
Ok, you're hungry and all that. But you should be used to it by now!

Another thing that rings warning bells in my head is that my brain refuses to work when my heart is! They just cannot cooperate and I hate making the choice! It used to be brain but now suddenly it's becoming heart and I don't want to offend my brain because I REALLY will need it once my heart is weary.

I looooooooove being in control of myself! And this is freaking me out, because I actually feel happy when I'm not holding back.

There is always balance in life. And to cancel out this overload, there will be a vacancy I have to watch out for.

Hmmmm. Anyway, happiness and all is cool, so for the time being... bye :) I'm sure I'll see you soon :)

Arretez le trouve!

Today, just a while back, I asked God to give me the pain someone I like very much feels. Or atleast let me share the burden.

I, obviously, have never done this before.

Could this be love?
Maybe....or not.
But I don't care! Because right now, that feeling itself has liberated me from my inhibitions about love.
Why do I need the perfect love when I have this nameless happy compassionate feeling?

Right now, I'm loving life just living it. Experiencing so many new things....and things that I didn't experience for a very long time. Overwhelmed by these shadows of old emotions but feeling very much alive now, not like unemotional hard as a nail Roshini anymore.

So goodbye till I pass this phase!